3. "He's Family" by Hippielover459

Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Iris live in normal times. Iris is Merry's adapted sister,and what happened when they found out something about her that could tear the family apart. OneShot

"So, how's your sister getting on, then?" Sam asked Merry between pulls at his flagon. The two hobbits sat at their ease in the Green Dragon, enjoying a slower hour at the inn. Times had been... well, normal, of late. There wasn't much else to do.

Merry choked on his ale and looked up with a face like scrambled eggs—not in that it was yellow and blobby so much as it was all mixed up and confused about which way it wanted to pull. Merry's face, that is. In any case, he soon cleared his throat and recovered his composure.

"Er, Iris? Well... she seems to be all right, I mean she was up and about not two days after visiting those elvish surgeons, you know, a really wizard job, and she went out to pick flowers this morning, I expect she's—"

His face was composed. His sentences weren't. In any case, he never got to finish the second one because just at that moment the door burst wide open.


A blur of wide eyes, dark hair, and wheeling limbs shot into the room and launched itself at Sam, landing solidly on his lap and tipping him over backwards in his chair. Once his ears stopped ringing, Sam opened his eyes and goggled at his assailant.


She nodded frantically, making her perfect black curls bob. However, he could barely see her manic grin above her pendulous chest.

"Do you like them?" she squealed. "I got them just for you, you know, my Sammie-kun! Aren't elves great?"

"Wait, Sam?" Merry spluttered. He had gotten to his feet when Iris appeared in the room and now he was agog at the pair on the floor. "But... but you're supposed to marry Frodo! What will the family say?"

"Nothing!" snapped a different voice. The three hobbits looked up to see two Big People in black, just inside the door. The man would have been imposing if he hadn't been slightly bent over to avoid knocking his head on the ceiling. The woman was on one knee with an arrow nocked and trained on Iris. It was the man who had spoken. He cleared his throat and read from an open notebook in his hand.

"Iris Brandybuck, you are charged with being a Mary Sue and disrupting the canon of Middle-earth. To whit, being an uncanonical sibling of a canon character, using Japanese suffixes in Middle-earth, causing hobbits to set up arranged marriages, causing elves to be cosmetic surgeons, and employing stupid biology. I mean, just look at yourself. You shouldn't be able to stand up!"

"And WHY can't you leave the elves out of it? What is it with you Sues and the elves, huh?" Agent Cameo interjected. "Not to even mention the Japanese thing. You know, just for that—I was going to shoot you, but you don't deserve it. YAH!" With swift, coordinated motion, she dropped her bow, whipped a pair of steel-tipped chopsticks out of her hair-do as she tackled Iris, and rammed them up the Sue's nose.

Agent Supernumerary raised one eyebrow at the puddle of blood and brain fluid forming on the floor. "That's disgusting."

Cameo shrugged and wiped her chopsticks on the hem of Iris' dress, then stuck them back into her fraying bun.

"You're cleaning it up, you know."

A brief debate and one flashy-thing later, Cameo successfully denied all such knowledge. She slid the neuralyzer back into her pocket with a smug grin and settled in to enjoy the spectacle of Supernumerary down on his knees in gore.