Aragorn loves and marries another before Arwen. She dies during the birth of their child. Soon though the dangers of middle earth force the child to be hidden, even from Aragorn. What will happen to this hidden child and how will her existence affect the

The woman strained and panted on the bed, clawing at the thin sheets in a vain effort to alleviate her pain. The two midwives paced frantically around her. It wasn't supposed to go like this! All they could do now was watch and hope for the best.

Presently, the woman gave a monumental shriek that would have lifted her off the bed if one of the midwives hadn't held her still. The shriek gave into a long, thin wail. It didn't come from the woman—she collapsed with a sigh and moved no more. The wail came from the infant in the arms of the second midwife. The two women looked at one another with dread in their eyes. He was not going to be pleased. The first woman hastened to cut the birth cord, allowing the second to properly clean and swaddle the infant.

"It's a little girl," she said quietly to her contemporary. Indeed, the infant now sleeping peacefully against her breast was the most beautiful she had ever laid eyes on. But then, with such parents, it was to be expected.

The first woman nodded. "There may have been twins. The other didn't make it, though."

"Don't tell him! It's bad enough his wife is dead. You should go to him now."

"Aye."

And so she did. There was a stunned silence—then a table went flying across the room amid unintelligible howls of rage and anguish, just missing the cringing woman. The Lord Estel had a terrible temper. He stormed off into the night.

At this point, the two PPC agents crouching outside the house—shelter—whatever the hell it was—exchanged looks.

"So it begins," said Agent Cameo to her partner.

Agent Supernumerary rolled his eyes in response.

The midwife hurried back into the birthing room, where the second woman was rocking the baby girl.

"Ooh, it's a bad business," the first woman tutted. "You'd best get her away, and quickly. She'll die without a wet-nurse, and he blames the child for killing his wife! Who knows what he'll do?"

And so the newborn was hurried away, hidden from Middle-earth and her father. She grew up to be strong and fair, with a mind like quicksilver and strange powers that no one could explain.

"Blah, blah, blah," said Supernumerary. "Can we just skip ahead? She doesn't do anything but show off for the next five chapters, then she breaks the canon."

Cameo nodded and pulled out the remote activator. The agents stepped through into the teenage girl's angsty!confrontational!battle scene.

"I'll never join you!" the girl was saying, holding her glowing blue sword before her with what was supposed to be defiance but looked more like an exaggerated pout. "You killed my father!"

"Leah," said the Dark Lord Aragorn, "I am your father!”

The girl's eyes went wide in shock. "NOOO! That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Oh, but I'm afraid it is quite possible," said a new voice in a fair imitation of Darth Sidious.

Both Leah and Evil!Aragorn turned to see two figures in black step out of the shadows.

"Seriously, with the third Star Wars movie coming out this month, did you expect any less?" Cameo added. While Leah was still blinking in shock, the agent darted forward and hit her hard upside the head. Leah crumpled gracefully to the ground. Evil!Aragorn only blinked appreciatively.

"Are you servants of the Dark Lord?" he asked, then huffed. "I DID have everything under control."

"Shut up," said Supernumerary. "Leah: you are charged with using a really bad pun in your title, throwing Aragorn so far out of character his own mother wouldn't recognize him (or, if she did, she'd die again of a heart attack), having uncanonical Jedi!Sue powers, breaking the canons of two universes, annoying PPC agents, being a Mary Sue—it's spelled L-E-I-A, genius—and writing the worst crossover 'fic I've ever seen. How do you plead?"

Leah, who was just coming around from Cameo's strong right hook, groaned.

"Good," said Supernumerary. "Cameo? Would you like to do the honors?"

"Yes, please!" She picked up Leah's "light sword" and drove it through the back of the Sue's pretty head.