Canon Protection Initiative Headquarters
An Expanded Glossary of Edible, Semi-Edible, and Non-Edible Substances
May 22, 2005
1420 Beer | Anti-Lustin | Aura of Smooth | Benden Red Wine | Bleeprin | Blood | Cookies, Canon
Anti-Lustin - [non-edible] Modified protein derived from blood samples of Dwarves, the race most resistant to Sue-induced lust. Comes in green vials for immediate action and orange vials for extended action. Do NOT use in non-humanoids or Sues. See Lambda's page for detailed information.
Aura of Smooth - [semi-edible] Best known as an energy field generated by Mary Sues, Aura of Smooth has been found by the PPC to be a pheromone responsible for the brainwashing effect of Sues on canon characters. As an ingredient in Water, it presumably acts as a mind-altering drug and may lower inhibitions and/or will power to dangerous levels. Use with extreme caution.
Benden Red Wine - [edible] After the first Pass of the Red Star, much of the technology brought to Pern by the colonists was lost, including much of wine-making. Only in Benden Hold do the ancient secrets survive, guarded jealously by the Winecrafters. Benden Red is regarded by connoisseurs as the finest vintage on the planet, followed closely by Benden White.
Bleeprin - [edible] Created by Meir Brin and TZA, Bleeprin is a combination of bleach and aspirin.* It comes in the form of a white, chickpea-sized (or large-normal-pea-sized) pill. It is used to soften the effects of reading horrific badfic — the bleach erases the bad mental images, and the aspirin eases the headache. According to Meir Brin, this wonder-medicine is so generally spiffy that it also can cure social anxiety attacks. It is manufactured by the mini-Aragogs in the basements of HFA. Within a few short weeks of its invention, Bleeprin easily replaced the time-honored but painful — and permanently crippling — custom of gouging one's eyes out with a spork as the preferred way of dealing with badfic (banging one's head against a doorpost is still widely in effect, however). Bleeprin comes in many other forms ranging from edible (Bleepolate, Bloffee) to semi-edible (Blumble, PG2B2):
Blood - [semi-edible] For the PPC's resident vampires. PPC-issue blood is probably mostly human in origin, but no one knows for sure. Rumors that it's laced with sedatives have yet to be proven. The fact remains that most vampiric Agents prefer to get their meals on the job.
Cookies, Canon - [edible] From the makers of PG2B2 comes a tasty snack specially baked with infusions of canon-y goodness. Also chocolate chips. They are distributed to those who have done something spiffy, are new or having a birthday, or are suffering from mild badfic-induced stress. Or anytime, really. It's always a good time for Canon Cookies! (Look for peanut butter and iced sugar cookies, coming soon!)
Cookies, paperclip-shaped - [edible] These cookies, once available from Hawkelf at the drop of a hat (especially during the ceremonial Greeting of Newbies), are now rare and possibly collectable. While they are probably still edible, we wouldn't recommend trying. Coming soon to a Christmas tree near you!
Essence of Sue™ - [semi-edible] A liquid derivative of Sue blood created by Agent Rumor in a mysterious process that not even she knows. (It's just that mysterious.) Essence™, when consumed or absorbed through the skin, induces a severe case of Sue-ism in the victim. Exorcisms work to relieve such cases, but are generally more difficult than your average possession Sue exorcism. Rumor has it (and she should know) that the only remedy beyond exorcism would be procurred through a long, involved proccess which calls for the tears of an Agent. This is only a theoretical remedy, as she has been unable to find any Agent even willing to admit crying, never mind actually in the act of doing so. Essence™ is only available through Agents Rumor, Hawkelf, Gwen, Kit Hawk, and M'rrahr.
Galadriel Brand™ Lembas - [edible] Brought to the PPC courtesy of Jen Littlebottom, this Galadriel Brand™ Lembas is gotten directly from the Lady of Light herself. Says Jen, "I just have Maeluiwen go ask for more for me. Works every time. :)" (Maeluiwen is, of course, the PPC's resident Alternative-Lifestyle Mary Sue, who dies and is resurrected a number of times a week.*) This waybread comes in such exciting flavors as Orange-Mango, Strawberry-Kiwi, and, of course, Chocolate. Jen tends to distribute this Lórien-o-rific Lembas as a gift to newbies (or, occasionally, pelt them with it), and also on birthdays and when people do uberspiffy deeds. However, if you are not new, are not celebrating your birthday, and have not just done an uberspiffy deed, it may be rather expensive.
*Maeluiwen is a Mary Sue, loves all the Sues we're trying to get rid of, hits on the agents, and is generally annoying, so she gets killed quite a bit. However, as most of the Boarders have male lust-objects, the fact that she does not hit on said lust-objects, but instead helps Jen MST, keeps her somewhat in our good graces.
Imean eoxodem - [non-edible] After searching through badfics for a cure to the Slash Virus, boarder Malathyne discovered "Imean" -- an interesting liquid the color of wilver. Her friend found a character named Eoxodem. If you take three hairs from Eoxodem and dissolve them in a solution mix of Imean and Anti-Lustin, you get imean eoxodem, an urple-colored anti-body that can be injected into the poor victim.
Side-effects that the character experiences while the anti-body is fighting off the virus include narcolepsy, vomiting, garbled speech, seeing illusions, and loss of self-control -- which could result in random glomping and snogging. Before treating a victim with imean eoxodem, please take them back to Headquarters and hand them over to whatever infirmary you can get to. In order to decrease the risk of side-effects, feed the victim banana pudding, Strawberries 'n' Creme Frappucino, and chocolate-chip cookie dough.
The victim should be ready for release in anywhere from two days to a week -- it depends on the strength of the virus. Make sure to inject the imean eoxodem every three days, though, if it takes more than two days for them to recover.
Klah - [edible] A favorite among fans (and natives) of the Dragonriders of Pern continuum. Klah is a stimulant coffee substitute brewed from the bark of its namesake tree. Its flavor is spicy cinnamony-chocolate with a touch of hazelnut and coffee. It can be served hot or cold, with milk and/or sweetening, or with a splash of liqour. Anyone who has visited Pern can probably be bribed for a cup.
Kuswort - [non-edible] A fan-created herb native to the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Kuswort is yellow and smells of vomit. It spores to reproduce, but the spores tend to explode into hallucinogenic, puke-scented mist if forcibly planted. The adult plant is the primary ingredient in the cure for Vambiolaria, the Mary Sue disease. ("It seeks out the dominant character at the time...") Other ingredients include frog bowels, pickled crow bladders, some "dark liquid" out of a black vial, and a handful of some kind of powder.
NM&NMs - [edible] Bleepolate with a candy coating! NM&NMs were imagined into being by PPC Boarders who found themselves amused by the occasional double (nm) notice on posts containing "no message." The resulting little oblate spheroids are the perfect sweet addition to your trail mix. The candy shells come in urple, wilver, blello, and bleen.
Numbweed - [non-edible] An herb from the Dragonriders of Pern continuum renowned for its painkilling properties and notorious for its noxious medicinal odor. Raw sap can be used, but a salve is preferred. Numbweed salve is a cool, creamy white. Used topically, it works on contact, deadening the nerves of the affected area. Numbweed should never be used internally.
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster - [semi-edible] An alcoholic beverage invented by ex-Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox. "The best drink in existence," according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is "like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." (Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. New York: Del Rey, 2002: 17) See the Guide for a complete recipe.
Pink Stuff - [semi-edible] Brought to us courtesy of GreyLadyBast, Pink Stuff is a brightly colored alcohol that is almost lethally potent and leaves killer hangovers. Drunkenness ensues almost immediately after consumption, and the Stuff is available to almost anybody. Warning: Should you choose to drink Pink Stuff, you will be in severe pain for several hours until it wears off, unless you can manage to get a hold of:
Purple Stuff - [edible] The only thing in existence that will alleviate the hangover from Pink Stuff. Purple Stuff kicks in almost immediately, and it is generally recommended that you have your Purple Stuff on hand before you drink Pink Stuff. Unlike Pink Stuff, however, Purple Stuff is only available for PPC and OFUM (and other OFUs) staff members, or from GreyLadyBast personally. However, while Bast gives out Pink Stuff freely, she is a bit stingier with Purple Stuff. Especially if you're a fangirl.
GreyLadyBast has also created many other colored Stuffs, each with different properties; however, they are not all documented. Suffice to say that you should probably not actually drink them unless you are guaranteed a trip to the HFA Hospital Wing. Bast is currently working on Black Stuff for OFUM's resident dark lords and giant spiders, and on a drink that will make the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster look like weak tea.
Note: Please do not ever, ever, ever mix Stuffs and Bleeprin. We seriously do not wish to find out what kind of explosion that would make.
Rhum - [edible] A fangirl misspelling. An alcoholic drink without the usual side-effects (hangovers and so forth). However, it does have the unusual effect of making the drinker act like Captain Jack Sparrow. Seen in Scene IX of the second Playscripte.
Suebuprofen - [edible] An alternative for those who can't or won't use Bleeprin products. Comes in small pills. Warning: Overdose causes visions of the Dream-entry sequence from Myst IV: Revelation.
Sue Soufflé - [semi-edible] Suggested into creation by Mercuria Stardust, this Soufflé is for those PPCers who do not consider Sues to be of the same species as they are, or who really don’t care that much about cannibalism. It was originally a solution to very fat canonical monsters, as there are exponentially more Sues than monsters. Warning: Do not eat if you are allergic to glitter.
Tantaflaf - [semi-edible] A fan-created spell gone wrong, Tantaflaf is a taffy-like substance routinely fed to students at HFA and PPC Agents desperate enough to eat in HQ's cafeteria. It is "goopy, rather pinkish in color, and [has] a distinctive odor of sugar and cabbage." It also makes excellent ammunition in mini-Aragog paintball matches.
The Holy Hangover Cure, © Unseen University - [semi-edible] This is a tamer version of the mixture that the UU wizards cooked up to cure the God of Hangovers in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather. The Holy Hangover Cure is composed of (among other things) raw eggs, fresh orange juice, Klatchian coffee, mustard, horseradish, cream, anchovies, willow bark, yogurt, Englebert's Enhancer, and a pint bottle of wow-wow sauce. As this would clearly kill any non-godly creatures, and cause godly ones severe-to-nuclear-war-level indigestion, it is firmly recommended that nobody drink this. Ever. At all. Not even to see what happens.
The Holy Hangover Cure recommended in the composition of Blumble, as seen above, is a weaker form of this recipe. The cream is left out, as is Englebert's Enhancer. The wow-wow sauce is available to anybody willing to risk it, but only a couple of drops were in the stuff that Dio gave the SO.
Water - [semi-edible] Is not actually water. It is Sue-blood, for the vampiric or just plain dementedly ticked-off Agent. Smeagul, the mini-Balrog who owns Leto Haven, is credited with this discovery. It has been processed thoroughly, and caffeine has been added in an attempt to please the ever-overworked and overtired agents; however, this Water is still one of the least popular drinks in the PPC/OFUM General Store. Warning: Once again, do not drink if you are allergic to glitter. Also contains Aura of Smooth.
Ye Olde Poisonous Poison - [non-edible] Also courtesy of Jen Littlebottom, Ye Olde Poisonous Poison is massively helpful in killing Mary Sues. The PPC generally likes it because it is a fanwritten creation; if reality-type stuff is more to your taste, try curare. Ye Olde Poisonous Poison's biggest moment of fame was in the first death of Maeluiwen in "The Most Interesting Adventures of Maeluiwen," when Gríma shot her with a poisoned dart for sleeping with Éowyn. Since its introduction, it has become a very popular way of disposing of unwanted characters, and, occasionally, fanwriters.
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